Writings on mother
10.24.25
Honey crystalized when there is less water present.
I always thought it was from spit, so ive always been careful not to stick a wet spoon into a jar of honey.
So often late into the night, I pull out of spoon of honey right after another to fill in the shaking.
Wind stirring the leaves around, harsh wind like that which comes with fall.
It’s all shaking inside me also, until that spoonful of honey.
So spit doesn’t cause crystallization, only the returning of cold temperatures,
Or impurities it already had.
The last big jar of honey I ate and kept was from the war.
Ukraine with an expiration date of Mata.
We creates these lies and crystallize them.
What other forms of crystallization occurs in our bodies.
My baby would have been born May 21.
Dates mean so much to those living moment by moment. Keeping the crystallization going.
On a telahealth appointment this morning it was all about them speaking,
There was no wind outside, the waiting tone sounded familiarly Ukrainian.
I was allowing myself to look outside, I was breathing.
She spoke fast and I could barely understand what she was saying. She was reading off a script.
I soon will miss the deadline.
Crystallization has begun.
What would my people of Ukraine want? What would my mother want?
When I first started having sex, my grandmother once told me that my mother got pregnant easily.
07.02.25
#TsaDelicatelyPuttingHerDown
They were so delicate with her, the way a mother wouldn’t be or a young child's realization that it’s holding something delicate, alive, for the first time. The irony is in the first day. We all have those. Somedays, we walk ahead, not knowing what lies ahead. Somedays it’s as if we are flying straight into the sun. Something so brilliant you can’t see what lies beyond the car you drove to get here, the man you thought you were in love with, the morning coffee that tasted sweeter than on days before.
They handled her with care, and for the first time I saw kindness in unexpected moments. At TSA, they are always after you. We humans are suspicious of each other like that; I mean, here we built a whole country on that principle. We The People but dont cross the lawned dont trust your neighbor.
TSA used words like only eternal examination
you can put her back yourself
rescan to get the clearest picture
Looking back I cant remember how they addressed her, if they said her or simply package, but definitely remember them referring to it as a special situation.
I felt taken care of, in that small moment like a stranger was reaching out giving tender
Voice touching tender thought. God Bless You, I thought.
Stranger or not Ive been thinking that often. E said it a few nights ago,
Thank God For You.
In moments when nothing makes sense, we do thank god because it's the only simple explanation for what could be happening to us. To the luck that we happen to experience.
On the way here I told her I dont understand what makes some of us so lucky. Like sticking out of nowhere. Like hitting a run. Like all corners of the room carrying a Resonance.
One time E told me of some ancient Mexican ruin built so the four walls could carry the sound+light in a direct passage. I couldn't imagine the temple but I could see her. My double person, on the rooftop in philly absorbing all the light. Her voice is that ruin. She penetrates unlike anyone I know.
On that rooftop before I left for Italy you once said something like the reason we hate sex is that we are meant to be with women. Tender touch and a roughness thats all we need. only she can give me. I bet we could be good lvrs in that way.
The way I say drive and she says how fast.
The way I yelled her name so loud and told her to just let go of steering.
You’ll end up crashing but at least you’ll know the feeling of a free fall. Some of us dont even understand that 95% of flying is falling to rest. Catching enough air to let the fall feel like flying. Total control in the hand of the bird, wing, operator.
Here, on this rooftop, it’s so warm it burns like sugar on spoons, why dont we do that more often? When things are exposed to extremity, they can change the direction of their travel. I know this because she knows this because she read that birds seek exhaustion if separated from the flock. Panting like dogs are drooping their wings
I am going to have an emotional affair in the midst of true love, true inhalation.
What does it mean to seek an emotional affair with someone whose life you want to devour.
In the span of a month I learned more about architecture than maybe you have in all of your Phds, granted that is a projection. The emotional affair has always been with his career.
Needing to get closer to my mother. So im flying to milan, with my mother tucked between my laptop and the perfume she used to wear, to see a man I met a month ago.
My mother loved the patterns on old carved doors. She took lots of photographs of them, but now I can only see a handful on facebook from one trip in some Middle Eastern country.
But I know that she had folders of doors and doors smeared across her computer. She had an emotional attachment to her computer also.
When I was young I paid someone to upload all her files on a hard drive. Out there somwhere those files sit neatly organized by country by door, Everyday wishing to know if she suffered in her 20s.
There is comfort in knowing we are the product of dna rumbling around the blood vessel pumping dysphoria into stuck corners of a shoulder like not properly allowing ourselves to arrive.
What a strange feeling to arrive.
Hours before I was to leave for the airport, all my loved ones piled on top of me in my bed, holding down the last moment.
What a strange feeling to arrive.
12.02.24
Dancing wildly with strong night
One thing that I contributed by being here is the capacity to observe,
Tell you what I see, ask questions and say back to you what it is that
You say. This is a gift not to be underestimated.
The violence of a new city is beginning to swallow me.
The newness carries on its back something like raw mouth. My lips have been so chapped since getting here
And Logan is getting sick. Even altitude can get to the highest of dogs. (Meant to say god)
There was a dog running up among prayers.
There was a dog running up among believing and they really do.
One woman with her eyes shut so tight. Prayer. She didn’t even notice the old lost
Beast running up down the aisle.
I turned to the prayer before me. Please send the right direction my way.
Please let me feel like im walking near the ones im suppose to touch/witness.
Im turning to prayer, and I have been for some time because magic seemed to have slipped.
As I read Gabrielle talk about coming to mexico and meeting all the right people I wondered if that kind of luck
Exist for everyone. And if she had moments of doubt cut into her like prehistoric stones.
I dont even fully believe in my art. That is what’s stopping me.
When people of prayer stop believing what do they do?
Doubt creeps in like old-time lovers holding your hands. Like ray still having a firm grip on me.
Wanting to do right for him/mother/Logan while thinking everywhere I have been is not enough. Doubt.
